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The Gorehound Reviews: The Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies (’14)

Oh Krampus! Was this really the culmination of 3 years of The Hobbit? To say the least, the Gorehound was entertained for the simple fact that he got to see a new release opening night. Unfortunately, the movie was not worth the price paid. Interstellar and Exodus were high on the list but the Gorehound King has a Graveyard Queen to please, and therefore, we set in motion the Battle of the Fives Armies!


The title kind of gives it all away, yes, there is battle which consumes almost half of the movie. Despite this lengthy duel, no blood or gore is to be spared. We follow the troupe of dwarves and hobbit to reclaim the mountain to it’s rightful owner. There’s a few other side stories like the bimbo Freckles from Lost trying to reunite with her dwarf. None of these really garner enough emotion. They are simply building up, albeit falling short, to what has now become a classic, The Lord of the Rings trilogy. There isn’t really anything exciting that hasn’t done before. The best that this movie does is bring us some classic Legolas.

The battle isn’t that great. Kind of starts, then stops, and repeat. The distinction and identity of the five unique armies are vague. Orcs, dwarves, and elves. Do you really consider the fisherman village an army or the 10 or so birds? What were the other two armies? The viewer shouldn’t be left guessing.

It’s alright to target this film to a PG-13 audience all of the others have, but don’t try to emulate war at that rating. The sacrifice and strength at play is so hard to visualize and if Peter Jackson couldn’t even replicate the battle from previous entries, the movie is at fault. This is certainly a PG-13 movie in that it does not breach any seriousness of war. The actors are not well-played. Too often I felt like Thorin was drunk, when really it was just slow-motion. The filthy Wormwood stand-in, was solely placed for comedic relief. These odd and disgusting characters, such as Wormwood, certainly have a place but this imagining was too sour to muster any authenticity.

Simply put, it’s really not good for the following reasons: completely predictable and foreseeable, aesthetics have decreased (except for that field of Lupines), and no one is likeable (who really cares if 2 of the 12 or so dwarves die?).  The story is too simple for a Tolkien adaptation. There are complex themes that should be brought to light. Perhaps dragging a single book into 3 movies may be stretching the story? Thorin is stubborn, Bilbo is going to give the ring to Frodo, Sarumon is going to accept Sauron as his lord and savior, and you’re never going to see any other character besides the elves, Gandalf, and Legolas. 2/5


2 responses to “The Gorehound Reviews: The Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies (’14)

  1. TheGorehound December 19, 2014 at 9:34 pm

    I forgot to add: Kate was being a total bimbo the entire movie. Don’t let Orlando Bloom hold you back, he’s pretty and all but he’ll never be a Captain of anything.

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